Fixing the first page Feature # 24

Fixing the first page Feature # 24 -

Photo credit: University of central Arkansas on Flickr

I do not know how it happened, but it's almost July!

As usual, I will begin by displaying the first 250 full extract, then I'll share my thoughts together, so my criticism redline. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and criticisms in the comments (because I am a person with an opinion!), As long as he is polite, thoughtful and constructive. Any rude comments or means will be removed unceremoniously.

Very well. Here we will


Title :. THE GUN IN THE CURRENCY

Genre: YA Science Fiction

First 250 Words:

"I need coffee.

The rich smell of coffee stand on campus, across the square from my table, behind my mind my last minute cramming. I put my screen down and lean back in my chair, pulling my hair coppery ponytail. thick strands uncooperative but eventually I catcher in a hairband. closing my eyes, I am inclined her head back to let the sun warm my face. the golden rays caress my skin, but I know the danger these rays hold

Yawning, I take the screen and scroll to the top of the document to begin again the title catches my eye Notes midterm - .. 17. March, 2107 to 11 hours. I look at my wrist to check the time on my phone. 10:37. Shortly now. Battery flashes red, and I sigh, detach the phone from my bracelet. I forgot to load the after school yesterday, so now I unfold the panels of the phone and disseminate to absorb sunlight. Small solar panels shine, sending light scattering bites through my arms and face.

My eyes follow the familiar words as I re-read the study guide, articulating silently. This mid-term is one of the last circles that I have to jump through to Dasset Prep before my degree and get a job in the Environmental Impact Agency, where I am a student. I stayed up late last night to cram even though I studied it for weeks, but my stomach still twists to the test approach.

The laughter of the table next to mine breaks my concentration, and I look to see a group of students in my class. "

Hmmm interesting. Okay, so at this moment I'm not seeing any, massive glaring issues that must be addressed, but I'm not 100% sure this is quite enough convincing either. it would be enough to read me the next page, which is good, but I 'D also think if it does not pick up soon, I'll probably put again. not because it is bad, but because just before starting a big test is fairly common (I remember diverging here) so I'm really looking for something different that's going to grab me and pull me into the story.

It's hard to say right next to it or not, we are starting in the right place I guess the next test is the inciting incident? I do not see a reference to conflict and tension here this is great and the main reason I'd be willing to read on for a couple more pages to see what happens.

Very good! Now for the in-line, fussy Notes :.

"I need coffee

The rich smell of coffee stand on campus, across the square from my table, my mind behind my last -. minute cramming I put my screen down and lean back in my chair taking fight my thick, coppery hair in a ponytail (I combine the sentence with it to condense some) . thick strands uncooperative but eventually I wrestle in a hairband. closing my eyes, I tilt the head back to let the sun warm my face. the golden rays caress my skin -dangerous but [ insert reason why she is sunbathing anyway] . , although I know that the danger of these rays hold. I propose this adjustment to remove the filter expression of "I know."

Yawning, I take the screen and scroll to the top of the document to start new :. The title catches my eye rating midterm - March 17, 2107 -. 11:00 intelligently to get the date in I look at my wrist to check the time on my phone .. 10:37. It will not be long. Okay, so the main thing I'm missing your protagonist now is emotion. How does she feel about her next test? Nervous? Excited? Eager to finish? Apathetic? Whatever the answer is, I want to feel something your protagonist to get a better read on what is happening at the moment, but we do not know how your protagonist feels about this test. The battery indicator flashes red, and I sigh, detach the phone from my bracelet. I forgot to load the after school yesterday, so now I unfold the panels of the phone and disseminate to absorb sunlight. The small solar radiance, sending the light scattering bites through my arms and face. Cool! But what do you feel?

My eyes look follow the familiar words as I reread the guide of study, articulating silently (nitpicky, but her eyes are not really going anywhere) . This mid-term is one of the last circles that I have to jump through to Dasset Prep before my degree and get a job in the Environmental Impact Agency, where I am a student. Okay, fine, but is it what she wants? Again, I'm not really sure how she feels about all this. I stayed up late last night to cram even though I studied for weeks , but my stomach still twists that test approaches. Good! This is what I mean when I say I want to see the notes of his emotion, now just add a lot more for us to read his emotions from the start.

The laughter of the table next to mine breaks my concentration, and I look up to see a look to of students in my class group (this adjustment is to remove the filter "see") . "

Ok, so all in all I think you are almost there, but could use a little boost in POV protagonist, which may actually be the key to bring up the voltage sufficient to make a stronger hook. If I saw it in the mud, I carefully read on, but as I said above, I would be looking for something to grab me and take me quickly before I moved something else.

I hope it! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Jes!

want to be featured in a fixing the function of the first page? Keep an eye on the next criticism in July gift!

Twitter bite size :.

@ Ava_Jae deepening talks POV character, filter phrases, and even more in the 24th Mounting criticism of the first page. (Click for tweeter)